July is so stupid. It’s just so stupid. Stupid July, stupid month where I’ve lost my monthly subway pass not once, not twice, but three times in the last week and a half. And no I’m not going to take responsibility for that because the moon is probably in some weird phase. So while I wait for MTA to get their lives together and refund me approximately $220.00 (hoefully before the winter of 2016) I will go back to my poor, poor-girl roots. Not the literal ones, although those are rearing their mousy brown heads, but the metaphorical ones. I took a little time, made a budget, cried, had a cup of tea and resolved to make a list of all my financial lifestyle shortcuts which manage to retain that oh so endearing air of bougie. If you’re fearing for your financial well-being like myself, I also suggest taking a deep breath and acknowledging that none of us came out of our mother’s vagina holding fistfuls of hundred dollar bills. Not a one. Without further ado here is:
THE POOR GIRL’S GUIDE TO LUXURIOUS SUBSTITUTION
Poor girl’s avocado- Eggs in every possible way they can be prepared.
Poor girl’s dessert- White toast with butter, sugar sprinkled on top.
Poor girl’s steak tartar- Raw hamburger meat.
Poor girl’s cocktail- Diet coke and Chateau Diana (I prefer the Merlot) mixed together served in whatever you own which most closely resembles a goblet.
Poor girl’s kombucha- Old strawberries in your fridge muddled in lukewarm water.
Poor girl’s energy drink: Pour a whole Emergen-C packet in your mouth, add a little bit of water and swish it all around.
Poor girl’s whiskey- Now we don’t mess around here. Buy whatever you damn well please!
Poor girl’s botox- Bangs.
Poor girl’s facelift- A very severe, pulled back top knot.
Poor girl’s colonic- Coffee.
Poor girl’s manicure/pedicure- That $4 polish change from your favorite nail girl. Lest we forget Betty, remember?
Poor girl’s makeover- Sephora counter for a full beat, but buy ONLY the lip color.
Poor girl’s dry cleaning- 1 part rubbing alcohol 2 parts water in a spray bottle and go to town on anything that smells.
Poor girl’s itunes spree- SoundCloud.
Poor girl’s shopping spree- This blog.
Poor girl’s workout- Start a fight in a bar to the point where you run out fast for a few blocks (in heels).
Poor girl’s brunch- Diet coke and a cigarette.
Poor girl’s day out in NYC- Trip to go get a library card (DON’T forget that proof of address!)
Poor girl’s theatre date- YouTube the Kennedy Center Honors.
Poor girl’s movie date- Every Netflix documentary in the “Newly Added” section.
Poor girl’s fancy bar date- Wrap yourself in twinkly lights and spread a blanket on the floor and eat small pickles. This is what every bar in Brooklyn is like.
Poor girl’s Sara Bareilles concert- Drink a half box of pink wine and unabashedly cry and dance to the whole “Blessed Unrest” album.
Poor girl’s therapy session: Call a wise gay man.