My friends are fantastic. I think everyone must think that about their friends, but, my people are the real deal. They are smart, funny individuals. They listen when I talk. They’ve learned to tell me all social events start hours before they actually do so I am on time. They stick up for me. And they have inspired me to write about topics that move me, that I find pertinent, that I emotionally connect to.
So now let me tell you about the cleanest, safest, most luxurious places to use a public restroom in New York City. No no no, let my friends and I tell you. Below is the direct transcript from family dinner a few weeks back, after I made my friends Tarragon, Epiphany, and Hashtag* this fannncyyy desert, from scratch:
ME: Alright. I’m recording this. Favorite places to pee in NYC. Go.
HASHTAG: So I’m super horny—
ME: Focus please, this is business. Tarragon, go.
TARRAGON: My favorite place to pee is Eataly.
ME: Why Tarragon, why?
TARRAGON: Because it’s cleaned every hour.
ME: Do you know that to be true?
TARRAGON: Yes, positive. Every time I got they’re cleaning. And I’ve seen the check list. They clean every hour. I know this. You also don’t feel any pressure to buy anything because it’s really big and there’s lots of stuff. There are three different entrances. And, get this. Best part? TEN stalls. Ten. All of them cleaner than the last.
ME: Yeah. I hear you. I’m taking in this information and your passion. Love and light to you but…it’s not so so luxury in there. I want like, individual rooms and eucalyptus towels and–
EPIPHANY: Champagne. You want Beauty and Essex.
ME: Yes I do, thank you Epiphany.
EPIPHANY: Yes, but Tarragon means in a pinch, where would you go when you’re in Flatiron.
ME: Ok ok ok. So where do you go then in Midtown?
HASHTAG: The Marriott. Everyone chooses the Marriott.
EPIPHANY: The Marriott is so standard.
TARRAGON: The Marriott is tricky though because their bathroom’s have closing hours.
HASHTAG: No they don’t girl.
TARRAGON: Yes they do. The second floor Marriott bathroom has closing hours. The ones near the box office.
HASHTAG: You’re talkin’ about the second floor. I’m talkin’ about the lobby. I do the LOBBY girl. I get in and I press 8J or whatever and I go to the 7th floor–
EPIPHANY: 8th floor. Obviously the “8” stands for the 8th floor.
HASHTAG: OKAYYYY 8th floor. And I go to the 8th floor and I use the fancy bathrooms and…sometimes…I get a drink.
ME: Before or after you use the bathroom?
HASHTAG: Same. Time.
ME: Epiphany, favorite place to pee in New York City and why?
EPIPHANY: I would have to say…Bloomingdales…
EVERYONE: MHMM. Yes. But of course!
EPIPHANY: Oh. I know. The one on east 59th or whatever. That one. And let me enlighten you as to why.
ME: By all means, please.
(at this moment, all discussion stops as a wee little puppy does something so cute that we can do nothing but make noises of sheer delight and revel in her adorableness.)
EPIPHANY: Ok. sorry for the break. The reason why I choose Bloomingdales is for its cleanliness, its proximity to Forty Carrots, and its location on the bedding floor so when you’re looking for new quilts you ca—
TARRAGON: Why would we be looking for new quilts?
EPIPHANY: YOU KNOW! For winter, and things like that….Beauty and Essex really does have a great bathroom though.
(The group murmurs agreements whilst EPIPHANY dreams of quilts.)
ME: You know what I’m over? This like, fancy town restaurant or bar experience where there are only small, tiny mirrors with some antiqued shit on the corners so you can’t REALLY see anything. Over it. How’re you supposed to check your eye-liner? Or tease your hair? You can’t. I’ll tell you what. You simply can’t. Rant over. Also, I like that nail color.
TARRAGON: Thank you. I forgot what it’s called.
HASHTAG: NO ONE MOURNS THE!
ME: Stop. This cannot go further. Ok, what’s the name of the brunch place I got kicked out of?
ME: Yes, Co-Op. I’ll tell you why I don’t care to return to that establishment anyways, they have those silly co-ed bathrooms. What is that???
EPIPHANY: UGH CO-ED BATHROOMS ARE SO DARK!
ME: You feel strongly about this!
EPIPHANY: Well I can’t SEE! And I like to clean a toilet before I go in, is that so much to ask?
TARRAGON: You sit down? Like, actually sit down?
EPIPHANY/ME: Yes, yeah. You clean it off, and then you put some toilet paper down and you sit. It’s very simple. Straightforward.
TARRAGON: Oh no. I never have time for that.
HASHTAG: Nervous you never have time.
ME: Tarragon, so you hover?
HASHTAG: She does like a grand plié.
TARRAGON: Most women do this, yes.
ME: Not most women.
HASHTAG: Why don’t ya’ll just sit down. Like why don’t you just—(at this point Hashtag gets cut off because he’s in a room with three opinionated women and a lady pup who, even at the mere age of six weeks old is demonstrating opinionated tendancies. He might have had really useful information or suggestions, but the world will never know. This is his plight.)
ME: I FEEL like, the grand plié style is torture. Like a barre class after a big-night-out. Just seems like a lot of work.
TARRAGON: IT IS. You use your core. Your balance. And you have to hold the lock too.
ME: This has reached a level of paranoid peeing that I will not stand for or engage in conversation any longer.
TARRAGON:…I do have a really good power squat.
ME: Now you’re bragging.
HASHTAG: Wine’s out.
EPIPHANY: Let’s open another bottle and I’ll teach you all how to pee in a leotard.
And what an informative night it turned out to be! What I want ya’ll to take away from this nonsensical entry is: 1) Alcohol and a tub of chocolate frosting do an evening make! 2) The crux of friendship could possibly be finding people who have their own, specifically beautiful definition of a pleasurable public restroom experience. It’s important to surround yourself with people who grand plié and sit through life. 3) Going to the bathroom in a leotard is not for the faint of heart. Namaste.
*Sometimes my friends request a little anonymity. And that’s ok, so long as I can give them horribly trendy, children-of-west-village-independently-wealthy-artist-parents pseudonyms.